Suffering Sucks ~ Transformation, Not So Much

A few weeks ago, I found myself kneeling and praying on a Sunday morning, but it was not in a church.

The previous evening at a neighborhood BBQ, I met a woman suffering from debilitating migraines . She is a beautiful, brilliant woman, yet she cannot work. Often times, she cannot parent her children or love her husband in the ways she desires due to the incessant pain. Despite all treatments and therapies, nothing works to alleviate it. 

While conversing with her, it came to my mind that I should do something to help. “But, what,” I thought? “I’m no doctor; I don’t have any secret cures.”

All I could think to do to lighten her misery was to offer her a hand and foot massage. Even though I had no clue if such an action could help her, I knew that I could offer it

She came to my house early the next morning treading so lightly as not to make her pain worse through the pressure of her own footsteps. Gentle, soothing music played on my IHome. She sat, and I poured out lavender oil on her forearms and wrapped each hand and foot in a soft, moist towel.

Soon, I was kneeling on my floor at the feet of this lovely, anguished woman. As I cradled her feet and massaged her toes with fragrant oil, I found myself thinking of the Christian scripture story found in John 12: 1-8. There is a scene where a woman gently caresses the feet of Jesus who would, in turn, wash the feet of his disciples a few days later.

I thought of this Jesus who, while knowing of his imminent arrest and probable death, patiently knelt at the feet of his disciples. I thought of how those same companions would, in turn, be the next to suffer.

I prayed that the oil and my touch and the desires of my heart could be joined in such a way to help this woman before me know how deeply she was loved in all ways, by The Creator of All.

Did my action help reduce the pain of the woman before me for very long? I do not know, and I do not believe that matters. She left my house and returned to her home. Maybe I will or maybe I will not see her again. This also does not matter.

What matters is this: Because I have been emboldened by the support of others when I have suffered, I could fearlessly offer compassion to another in hers. My Spiritual Director has said that awareness of one's own suffering creates the possibility of joining it with the suffering throughout the world. If anything has happened in my life these past years, it is the "joining". It is transforming.

For instance, when I go shopping for groceries on a Friday night, the loneliness on some of the faces I see is palpable. There are the lonely ones, the frightened ones, and the elder ones who pass their carts by mine in the aisle. They have no rings on fingers. There are no companions by their side, nether men or women.

Collectively, I know most of we Friday night shoppers are not there because we have loved ones waiting for us at home. And so, I often say a little blessing for the one idling over the choice of canned peaches…or pears. Suffering for the sake of suffering is pointless.

Transformation of suffering comes upon our own inner awareness of its unifying ability to make us all one in our humanity. Suffering changes us—if we allow it—into softer beings capable of compassionate actions towards others.

This I believe: because you are human, it is possible that your compassionate acts begot of suffering allow you to beget compassion in others.

Maybe you didn’t pray at a mosque, temple or church this weekend. Rather, you possibly were a “living prayer” while sipping a cup of java with friends and listening to the story of their mother’s Alzheimer’s.  Or, maybe you celebrated the magnificence of The Creator by cooking eggs over a campfire and feeding your hungry family. Or, maybe you sat at a Blues Fest and joined others in music that lifts spirits and creates joy.

It is by the “joining” of others that we begin the “transforming” of ourselves. This is how peace is fanned into a flame. Keep it burning. And may….

Peacebeinall, Jane

Jane Haubrich Casperson, MA, is a Certified Spiritual Director and can be reached by contacting her at Peacebeinall@gmail.com